Chapter Seven - Relationships After acutely stressful experiences, many people find it difficult to feel emotionally close to another person or have difficulty sustaining relationships. Which of the following have you experienced? Write down others you believe have affected you.

___ Not able to express emotions in a relationship ___ Not able to feel or give love ___ Problems trusting others ___ Trouble feeling close or affectionate ___ Not interested in sex ___ Change in sexual drive ___ Power/Authority conflicts

How Do I Recognize a Healthy Relationship? Cory F. Newman, Ph.D., Clinical Director of the Center for Cognitive Therapy at the University of Pennsylvania, suggests that someone capable of healthy relationships holds 10 positive beliefs about relationships. Both parties must have these beliefs to engage in loving, open, and thus healthy relationships:

1. It is better to find a solution to our conflict that will make both my partner and me feel affirmed, rather than to win the argument and defeat my partner. 2. Although I want my loved one to spend time with me, I also want him or her to have other friends and interests, as this will make him or her happier and allow him or her to bring a greater richness of experience to our relationship. 3. It is important to speak directly, respectfully, and from the heart, rather than give conflicting messages or demand that my partner read my mind. Although this is difficult, it is most effective and makes me proud of my own assertiveness and forthrightness. 4. I do not need everyone to approve of me or to love me. Rather, it is sufficient to find a few, special people with whom I can be honest and with whom I can share central compatibilities. 5. I do not always know what is “best” for my loved ones. Therefore, I need to ask for their opinions and feedback from time to time. 6. One conflict, argument, or other mistake does not have to damage our relationship as long as we maintain good will toward each other and take the attitude that “We can work it out.” 7. If I love someone, I should not be afraid to say so when the appropriate opportunities arise. It does not make me vulnerable but instead can make us both stronger. 8. There is no shame in offering an apology. To say “I’m sorry” is to initiate a healing process. Similarly, I can be receptive when someone sincerely offers an apology to me. 9. Although I may wish to pursue individual success, I do not have to do this to such a degree that I neglect my loved ones or unduly compete with them. 10. I do not have to demean or overly sacrifice myself to “prove” my love for someone. Similarly, others do not have to accept mistreatment in order to “prove” their love

Two important additions to Dr. Newman’s 10 positive beliefs:

11. Violence is not an acceptable way to express anger or to exert influence over another (unless in self-defense when endangered by an assailant). Contact Alabama’s Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-650-6522. If you live in another state, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY for the deaf: 1-800-787-3224. 12. My relationship with others can only be as healthy as my relationship with myself. If I have low self-esteem, it will be critical to learn to take better care of myself and to see myself more realistically and positively. This, in turn, will allow me to see others in a more positive and realistic light. Refer to Other Resources For Support (Page 48) for immediate help.

Action Plan on Relationships Make a list of the things you can do to improve your reactions to a lack of healthy relationships. Try them out; you will be surprised to see how well they work. Remember, the dimmer switch works slowly as you dial up to full control.